Say WohoW!

The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them underway. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit.

However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly.

As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical!  Finally, when the plane has less than a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, and just at the very last moment possible the airplane lifts off and is airborne!!!

Meanwhile, up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the captain and says, “You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna get killed!”

Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God.

“God? Are you really there?” Jimmy said out loud.

To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. “Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?”

Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, “God? What is a million years like to you?”

Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. “A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute.”

“Oh,” said Jimmy. “Well, then, what’s a million dollars like to you?”

“A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny.”

“Wow!” remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. “You’re so generous…can I have one of your pennies?”

God replied, “Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute.”

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?”

The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing.

The Swiss man finally drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…”

“Why?” says the other, “That bloke knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

There was a guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about two weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees a horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and have it brought back when I reach the town?”

The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say, ‘Thank God’ to make it go and, ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”

Not paying much attention, the man says, “Sure, OK.” So he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking. Then he says, “Thank God, thank God, ” and the horse starts trotting.

Feeling really brave, the man says, “Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God,” and the horse just takes off.

Pretty soon he sees a cliff coming up and in his panic, he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!” Finally he remembers, “Amen!” The horse stops four inches from the cliff.

The man leans back in the saddle, wipes his brow, and says, “Thank God.”

Good:   Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad:     You can’t find your birth control pills.

Ugly:    Your daughter borrowed them.
……

Good:   Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad:     You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly:    You’re in them.
……

Good:   Your husband understands fashion.

Bad:     He’s a cross dresser.

Ugly:    He looks better than you.
……

Good:   Your son’s finally maturing.

Bad:     He’s involved with the woman next door.

Ugly:    So are you.
……

Good:   You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.

Bad:     She keeps interrupting.

Ugly:    With corrections.
……

Good:   Your wife’s not talking to you.

Bad:     She wants a divorce.

Ugly:    She’s a lawyer.
……

Good:   The postman’s early.

Bad:     He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.

Ugly:    You gave him nothing for Christmas.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that’s why beer is so GOOD for you!

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, “Father, I never wear panties under my habit.” The priest chuckles and says, “That’s not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.”