Saturday, September 4, 2010

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Blind pilots

Posted by admin On January - 3 - 2009

The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them underway. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit.

However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly.

As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical!  Finally, when the plane has less than a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, and just at the very last moment possible the airplane lifts off and is airborne!!!

Meanwhile, up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the captain and says, “You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna get killed!”

Little Jimmy The Opportunist

Posted by admin On January - 3 - 2009

Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God.

“God? Are you really there?” Jimmy said out loud.

To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. “Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?”

Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, “God? What is a million years like to you?”

Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. “A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute.”

“Oh,” said Jimmy. “Well, then, what’s a million dollars like to you?”

“A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny.”

“Wow!” remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. “You’re so generous…can I have one of your pennies?”

God replied, “Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute.”

Language problem

Posted by admin On December - 29 - 2008

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?”

The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing.

The Swiss man finally drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…”

“Why?” says the other, “That bloke knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Dumb Labels

Posted by admin On December - 29 - 2008

On a hair dryer:
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING
On a bar of soap:
USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP
On a frozen dinner:
SERVING SUGGESTION, DEFROST
On a hotel-provided shower cap:
FITS ONE HEAD
On a tiramisu dessert:
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN (this was printed on the bottom of the box)
On a package of bread pudding:
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER EATING
On children’s cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY
On a sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS
On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING- KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN
On an airline packet of nuts:
OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS

The truth about beer

Posted by admin On December - 29 - 2008

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that’s why beer is so GOOD for you!

Suicide blonde

Posted by admin On December - 29 - 2008

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up - you’re next!”

Real bad conscience

Posted by admin On December - 29 - 2008

Howard had felt terrible all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But, every once in a while, he’d hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him, “Howard. Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won’t be the last.”

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality. “Howard. You’re a veterinarian.”