Say WohoW!

Todd complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”  His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.”

Todd figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water
Avoid heavy labor
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.   He decided to give it a try.  He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and flashed its lights and printed out the following:

Your tap water is too hard
get a water softener.
Your dog has worms
give him dewormer medicine.
Your daughter is on drugs
put her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant
It ain’t yours—-get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop jerking off,
your elbow will never get better.

There was this gorgeous blonde going to Jamaica. She boarded the airplane and chose a seat at the front. The stewardess went around checking the tickets an saw she was in the wrong seat and section.

The stewardess said, “Excuse me ma’am. You are in the wrong section and seat. You are supposed to be in coach, not first class.”

The lady looked up at her and said, “LOOK, I am a gorgeous blonde with beautiful blue eyes and a figure to die for. I am on vacation and you will not get me to move.”

So the stewardess moved on and came back to her again a bit later. The blonde continued her harangue and proceeded to tell her how perfect she was. The stewardess, at the point of exasperation, then went and got the head stewardess to handle the matter. The blonde proceeded to tell her, “Look, I am tall, long-legged, gorgeous blonde hair, deep blue eyes and a body to kill for. I am on vacation, I am going to Jamaica and I am not moving.”

The head stewardess realized she had a standoff and went to the cockpit and spoke to the pilot. He decided to pay the blonde a visit.”How are you doing today, ma’am?” he asked.

“I AM NOT MOVING,” she said.

So the pilot reached down and whispered something in her ear. She jumped up–boy was she ever pissed–gathered all her things and went to the back to her seat in coach.  The two stewardesses were puzzled. “What ever did you say to her to make her move? We tried everything.”

“I told her the front of the plane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

6. You are at least guaranteed to get something in the sack.

5. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and do it again.

4. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

3. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

2. Thirty years from now you will still like candy.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood with less guilt the next morning.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides
to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadians:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:  Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:  No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:  This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in Newark, thinking about his wretched life, when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she’s a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.

“Is it true you’re a prostitute?”

“Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I dunno. What do you charge?”

“I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there.”

“$100? For a handjob? Are you nuts?”

“You see that Ferrari out there?” The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there’s a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. “I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it’s worth it.”

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he’s ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he’s back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

“Last night was incredible!”

“Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs.”

“How much is that?”

“$500.”

“$500? C’mon, that’s ridiculous!”

“You see that apartment building across the street?” The guy looks out front and sees a 12-story apartment building.

“I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs.Trust me, it’s worth it.” Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it.

He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints twice.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.

“I’m hooked, you’re the best! Tell me, what’ll it cost me for some pussy?”

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.

“You see that island?”

“Aw, c’mon! You can’t mean that!”

She nods her head. “You bet. If I had a pussy, I’d own Manhattan!”

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

The trunk was opened; there was no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the lying dirtbag told you I was speeding, too.