However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly.

As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical!  Finally, when the plane has less than a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, and just at the very last moment possible the airplane lifts off and is airborne!!!

Meanwhile, up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the captain and says, “You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna get killed!”

“God? Are you really there?” Jimmy said out loud.

To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. “Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?”

Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, “God? What is a million years like to you?”

Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. “A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute.”

“Oh,” said Jimmy. “Well, then, what’s a million dollars like to you?”

“A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny.”

“Wow!” remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. “You’re so generous…can I have one of your pennies?”

God replied, “Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute.”

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?”

The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing.

The Swiss man finally drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…”

“Why?” says the other, “That bloke knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees a horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and have it brought back when I reach the town?”

The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say, ‘Thank God’ to make it go and, ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”

Not paying much attention, the man says, “Sure, OK.” So he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking. Then he says, “Thank God, thank God, ” and the horse starts trotting.

Feeling really brave, the man says, “Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God,” and the horse just takes off.

Pretty soon he sees a cliff coming up and in his panic, he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!” Finally he remembers, “Amen!” The horse stops four inches from the cliff.

The man leans back in the saddle, wipes his brow, and says, “Thank God.”

Bad:     You can’t find your birth control pills.

Ugly:    Your daughter borrowed them.
……

Good:   Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad:     You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly:    You’re in them.
……

Good:   Your husband understands fashion.

Bad:     He’s a cross dresser.

Ugly:    He looks better than you.
……

Good:   Your son’s finally maturing.

Bad:     He’s involved with the woman next door.

Ugly:    So are you.
……

Good:   You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.

Bad:     She keeps interrupting.

Ugly:    With corrections.
……

Good:   Your wife’s not talking to you.

Bad:     She wants a divorce.

Ugly:    She’s a lawyer.
……

Good:   The postman’s early.

Bad:     He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.

Ugly:    You gave him nothing for Christmas.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that’s why beer is so GOOD for you!

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up - you’re next!”

But, every once in a while, he’d hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him, “Howard. Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won’t be the last.”

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality. “Howard. You’re a veterinarian.”

Next morning, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?

“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

She replies, “Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!”

So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years.”

St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

She says, “Father, I never wear panties under my habit.” The priest chuckles and says, “That’s not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.”

While he is waiting in the doctor’s reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor’s office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard. Pat goes into the doctor’s office and says to the doctor: “I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse.” The doctor says: “I just told her that she is pregnant.” Pat exclaims: “Oh my, is she?” The doctor responds: “No, but it sure cured her hiccups.”

So cheer up…..Your life ain’t that bad!!!

The devil said to them “You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3″

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said “OK men, coffee break’s over. Back on your heads.”

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town’s people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting… “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist’s fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor…

“Shit” said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died.

He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read out loud, “Hey, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”

She says “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!”

Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. “OH Santa, won’t you please stay?” she queried . Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said “Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know.”

Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly “Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?”

With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said “Ho - ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know.” And with that, he turned and left. Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful woman.

“Santa—you decided to stay??” she asked.

Santa grinned, looking at his crotch and said “Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can’t get up the chimney THIS way!”

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE …NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON’T BEAT ME UP
2) WON’T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you? And what do you want?”

“Hi,” he said, ” your search is over, for I’m the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms so I can’t beat you up and no legs so I can’t run away.”

“Well, then,” she said, “what makes you think that you’re so great in bed?”

To which he replied,….. “Well, I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, “If you can catch me you can have me!”

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, “I like the way this company does business.”

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

He’s after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it’s worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he’s ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. “Are you sure,” asks the representative on the phone, “this is our most rigorous program…” “Absolutely,” he replies. “I haven’t felt this great in years!”

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, I can have you!”

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

The Head Gangster says, “Okay, well, at least we can eat it.” So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn’t find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, “Well, at least they left something for us to eat.”

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:”Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people…”

He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn’t. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.

“Notice anything?”, He said.

“All I can see is a limp dick”. She replied.

“Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots”. He said.

“Huh” she replied, “You better have bought a new hat”!

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can’t believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver — by this time scared out of his wits — yells, “Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?”

The other guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot’s left foot. Chet began to sing: “Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! …” The shop owner then held another match under the parrot’s right foot. Then Chet’s tune changed, and the air was filled with: ” Silent Night, Holy Night…”

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

“How beautiful!” She exclaimed, “Can he talk?” “No,” the young man replied, “But he can sing. Let me show you.” So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet’s left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!…” The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s right foot, and out came: “Silent Night, Holy night…”

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, “What if we hold the lighter between his legs?” The man did not know. “Let’s try it,” he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet’s legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire….”

“Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!”

“Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.”

“Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”

An ad for St.Joseph’s Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, “For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.”

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the church reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.”

“Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons — come hear one!”

A singing group called “The Resurrection” was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, “The Resurrection is postponed.”

“People are like tea bags — you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”

“God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.”

“Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!”

“When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright.”

“Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.”

“Fight truth decay — study the Bible daily.”

“How will you spend eternity — Smoking or Non-smoking?”

“Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives”:

“Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.”

“It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.”

“Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”

“If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”

“If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”

“Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.”

“This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?”

“Forbidden fruit creates many jams.”

“In the dark? Follow the Son.”

“Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.”

“If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, ” Can you help me point my penis” ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, ” Hey! I’m grabbing it right”? ” So I should look, I have a right”!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. ” What the hell is wrong with it ?”

The “armless” man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says “I dunno, but, I ain’t touchin’ it.” and walks away.

“Last night,” She started “I found something terrible in one of the sisters rooms.”
99 Nuns “Oh no”
1 Nun “He, he”

“A condom!” said the head Nun.
99 Nuns “Oh no”
1 Nun “He, he”

Head Nun “And it was used!”
99 Nuns “Oh no”
1 Nun “He, he”

Head Nun “And it had a hole in it!”
1 Nun “Oh no”
99 Nuns “He, he”

The first Nun was asked “Who was the first man on earth?” to which she replied “Adam” and was allowed to enter heaven.

The second Nun was asked “Who was the first woman on earth?” to which she replied “Eve” and the gates opened, letting her in.

The third Nun was asked “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?” to which she replied “Ohh! That’s a hard one”

So, father Ray says to father Sam “I have extra soap in my room, I’ll go get some”.

So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn’t bother to get dressed: “who would still be in the church at such a late hour?” he thinks.  On the way back to the showers with two bars of soap in his hands he is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

The voices turn out to be that of three nuns, who, when seeing him standing there like a statue stop to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabs his penis.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap, with this the nun said “Oh look, a soap dispenser”. Wanting to test the first nun’s theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.

With this the nun says “Yes it’s true, it is a soap dispenser”.

Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.

But nothing happens, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis until, to her delight, she squeals “Oh! Look, hand cream!”

The nuns were busy painting the walls when a Thud Thud Thud hit the door.

The shocked nun ran to the door and pulled her clothes up over herself, when she asked “Who is it”?

“Its the blind man”, the visitor replied.

The 3 nuns looked relieved when they heard he was the blind man, no sight no problem they figured, and let him in.

Upon opening the door, in entered a burly man in coveralls and said “Holy shit sister nice tits!! … Where do you want your blinds? “

“Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven,” Peter told her.

Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. “Well, once I held a man’s penis,” she replied.

“Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven,” he said.

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, “Why did you push ahead in line?”

She said, “Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!”

Three nuns passed through a street that led them from the Church to the Reformatory. They noticed that a parrot stood at the enterance of a big residental house. Every time they passed in front of the house the parrot would pronounce three sequential colors, Yellow, blue, black. One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were relucant to believe that could be possible.

The next day they all wore black underwear, and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke Black, black, black.

Hearing that the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns spoke up. Girls tomorrow we are going to trick the bird. After saying that she recommended that the next day none of them would be wearing any underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement the next day they wore no underwear and proceeeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house. They peeked at the bird.

At the begining the parrot looked a bit puzzled as he swung back and forth, Then after a while the parrot spoke Straight, Straight, Curly. ]]> http://www.saywohow.com/?feed=rss2&p=174 http://www.saywohow.com/?p=172 http://www.saywohow.com/?p=172#comments Sat, 06 Dec 2008 12:05:56 +0000 admin http://www.saywohow.com/?p=172 An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice.”

The priest replied, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

The priest paused, and then asked, “So then, why are you telling me?”

“Hey, I’m telling everybody.”

The four men didn’t wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the backseat of the car and get into the drivers seat.

There was a small problem–her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly white woman.

No charges were filed.

He did not understand her remark. But later, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?”

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir. All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.”

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, Napoleon. If you aren’t hiding your report
card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!”

CUSTER’S MOTHER: “Now, George, remember what I told you–don’t go biting
off more than you can chew!”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can’t you
just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

Being quick on the uptake the second one says, “My dad says he will marry my mom next year.”

Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.

In desperation the third one says, “My old man will never ever marry my mom.”

The Nun looks up from her food and says, “Would one of you bastards please pass the salt.”

Developed after years of intensive research — It was discovered by accident.

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties — We are working on something else.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured — We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period — We haven’t started this job yet, but we’ve got to say something.

Test results were extremely gratifying — It works, and are we surprised!

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem — We just hired three new guys; we’ll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive — The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned — The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties — We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked, “Isn’t there some other way to fix it?”

The body man decided to have a little fun and said, “Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out.” She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.

She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. “What are you doing!” she shrieked, thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

“I’m blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car,” explained the first blonde.

“Well silly, it’s not going to work,” replied her neighbor.

“Why not?” asked the first blonde.

“Because you’ve got to roll up the windows first.”

Todd figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water
Avoid heavy labor
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.   He decided to give it a try.  He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and flashed its lights and printed out the following:

Your tap water is too hard
get a water softener.
Your dog has worms
give him dewormer medicine.
Your daughter is on drugs
put her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant
It ain’t yours—-get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop jerking off,
your elbow will never get better.

The stewardess said, “Excuse me ma’am. You are in the wrong section and seat. You are supposed to be in coach, not first class.”

The lady looked up at her and said, “LOOK, I am a gorgeous blonde with beautiful blue eyes and a figure to die for. I am on vacation and you will not get me to move.”

So the stewardess moved on and came back to her again a bit later. The blonde continued her harangue and proceeded to tell her how perfect she was. The stewardess, at the point of exasperation, then went and got the head stewardess to handle the matter. The blonde proceeded to tell her, “Look, I am tall, long-legged, gorgeous blonde hair, deep blue eyes and a body to kill for. I am on vacation, I am going to Jamaica and I am not moving.”

The head stewardess realized she had a standoff and went to the cockpit and spoke to the pilot. He decided to pay the blonde a visit.”How are you doing today, ma’am?” he asked.

“I AM NOT MOVING,” she said.

So the pilot reached down and whispered something in her ear. She jumped up–boy was she ever pissed–gathered all her things and went to the back to her seat in coach.  The two stewardesses were puzzled. “What ever did you say to her to make her move? We tried everything.”

“I told her the front of the plane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”