Saturday, September 4, 2010

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Archive for the ‘Men’ Category

Blind pilots

Posted by admin On January - 3 - 2009

The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them underway. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit.

However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly.

As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical!  Finally, when the plane has less than a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, and just at the very last moment possible the airplane lifts off and is airborne!!!

Meanwhile, up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the captain and says, “You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna get killed!”

Language problem

Posted by admin On December - 29 - 2008

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?”

The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing.

The Swiss man finally drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…”

“Why?” says the other, “That bloke knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Dirty dreams :)

Posted by admin On December - 11 - 2008

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

Next morning, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”

A hard thing

Posted by admin On December - 11 - 2008

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.

So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.

New boots

Posted by admin On December - 6 - 2008

An old farmer went out and bought a new pair of boots.

He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn’t. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.

“Notice anything?”, He said.

“All I can see is a limp dick”. She replied.

“Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots”. He said.

“Huh” she replied, “You better have bought a new hat”!

I ain’t touchin’ it

Posted by admin On December - 6 - 2008

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal…

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, ” Can you help me point my penis” ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, ” Hey! I’m grabbing it right”? ” So I should look, I have a right”!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. ” What the hell is wrong with it ?”

The “armless” man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says “I dunno, but, I ain’t touchin’ it.” and walks away.

…Why trick or treating is better than sex

Posted by admin On November - 20 - 2008

6. You are at least guaranteed to get something in the sack.

5. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and do it again.

4. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

3. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

2. Thirty years from now you will still like candy.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood with less guilt the next morning.