Say WohoW!

On a hair dryer:
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING
On a bar of soap:
USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP
On a frozen dinner:
SERVING SUGGESTION, DEFROST
On a hotel-provided shower cap:
FITS ONE HEAD
On a tiramisu dessert:
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN (this was printed on the bottom of the box)
On a package of bread pudding:
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER EATING
On children’s cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY
On a sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS
On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING- KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN
On an airline packet of nuts:
OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS

Good:   Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad:     You can’t find your birth control pills.

Ugly:    Your daughter borrowed them.
……

Good:   Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad:     You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly:    You’re in them.
……

Good:   Your husband understands fashion.

Bad:     He’s a cross dresser.

Ugly:    He looks better than you.
……

Good:   Your son’s finally maturing.

Bad:     He’s involved with the woman next door.

Ugly:    So are you.
……

Good:   You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.

Bad:     She keeps interrupting.

Ugly:    With corrections.
……

Good:   Your wife’s not talking to you.

Bad:     She wants a divorce.

Ugly:    She’s a lawyer.
……

Good:   The postman’s early.

Bad:     He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.

Ugly:    You gave him nothing for Christmas.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that’s why beer is so GOOD for you!

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?
* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your box with 11 other guys.
* But worst of all…. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

So cheer up…..Your life ain’t that bad!!!

- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people’s fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
- You can type sixty words per minute … with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
- You don’t sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it’s running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
- You don’t tan, you roast.
- You can’t even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.

“No God — No Peace. Know God — Know Peace.”

“Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!”

“Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.”

“Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”

An ad for St.Joseph’s Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, “For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.”

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the church reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.”

“Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons — come hear one!”

A singing group called “The Resurrection” was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, “The Resurrection is postponed.”

“People are like tea bags — you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”

“God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.”

“Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!”

“When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright.”

“Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.”

“Fight truth decay — study the Bible daily.”

“How will you spend eternity — Smoking or Non-smoking?”

“Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives”:

“Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.”

“It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.”

“Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”

“If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”

“If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”

“Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.”

“This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?”

“Forbidden fruit creates many jams.”

“In the dark? Follow the Son.”

“Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.”

“If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”