Say WohoW!

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE …NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON’T BEAT ME UP
2) WON’T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you? And what do you want?”

“Hi,” he said, ” your search is over, for I’m the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms so I can’t beat you up and no legs so I can’t run away.”

“Well, then,” she said, “what makes you think that you’re so great in bed?”

To which he replied,….. “Well, I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?

An old farmer went out and bought a new pair of boots.

He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn’t. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.

“Notice anything?”, He said.

“All I can see is a limp dick”. She replied.

“Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots”. He said.

“Huh” she replied, “You better have bought a new hat”!

6. You are at least guaranteed to get something in the sack.

5. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and do it again.

4. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

3. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

2. Thirty years from now you will still like candy.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood with less guilt the next morning.

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love.”

The old man replied, “I thought so…would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They’re choking my ducks!”

Jim’s dad picked him up from school.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Jim enthusiastically announced that he’d gotten a part. “I play a man who’s been married for twenty years.”

“That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”

In bed. The husband is kissing and touching his wife.

She: Honey, I have an appointment with my gynecologist in the morning and I’d like to stay fresh.

The husband is disappointed and tries to sleep.

After  while he turns to his wife:

- But you have no appointment with your dentist tomorrow, right?!

A woman talks to her friend:

- I don’t know what present to give my husband to his birthday. He already has everything what I need.