Howard had felt terrible all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But, every once in a while, he’d hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him, “Howard. Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won’t be the last.”
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality. “Howard. You’re a veterinarian.”
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window…
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?
“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replies, “Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!”
Todd complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.”
Todd figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water
Avoid heavy labor
It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and flashed its lights and printed out the following:
Your tap water is too hard
get a water softener.
Your dog has worms
give him dewormer medicine.
Your daughter is on drugs
put her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant
It ain’t yours—-get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop jerking off,
your elbow will never get better.
What doctors say, and what they’re really thinking:
“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.
“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
–or–
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.
“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.
“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.
“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.
“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’ than an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me …
“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.
“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”
The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.”
After extinction of a fire at a hospital the chief fireman reports to the hospital manager:
- The fire is off, but there were some casualties. We could rescue 7 people, but 2 died.
The hospital manager is shocked:
- You rescued 7 people? You were extinguishing a morgue!
Take off your underwear and give me your back.
- No, Jimmy, I don’t want it in my behind.
- Don’t be scared, it doesn’t hurt.
- But Cindy said it was painful.
- Cindy was moving all the time, I couldn’t hit the goal, that’s why it was painful.
- I’m shy.
- We know each other since school times, don’t be shy. For me there’s no difference whether you are a man or a woman.
- Maybe you can close your eyes?
- And how shall I find the spot if I close my eyes?
- Use your hands.
- Ah, I give up! Take it in your mouth…
…although a flu shot more effective than a pill
